Why Wait to Have Sex in Marriage? A man’s perspective…

Some wait for sex… Why? There’s a saying that goes, “The best plan is to profit by the folly of others…” That’s what this article is about. I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned — the hard way — concerning girls & relationships. Specifically, I’ve jotted down eight reasons why I’m now waiting until marriage to have sex…

1) I now know that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

During my sexpades in high school & a bit in campus, I remember having an experience that I referred to as a “love hangover.” After being with a girl, the next morning I always felt an emptiness. I was so empty & almost suicidal. Media told me sex was the in thing & that i would get fulfillment. WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!!! That’s something you won’t see on TV or in the movies, but it happens a lot. There was emptiness, even regret, afterwards.

The “love hangover” was a strange occurrence for me. Mainly because sex was my “god.” As a male, it’s what I thought about morning, noon & night. So you would imagine that having sex would have been completely fulfilling — the crowning achievement in the worship of my “god.” And yet, there was always a lack of fulfillment afterwards.

Has that been your experience, too? Have you ever had a “love hangover”? If you have, you should stop and consider, “Why is that? Why is it that sex, if it’s so important to me, leaves me with an empty feeling?”

I remember being confused by this emptiness. I then concluded: “I just need more, that’s all.” (We often think this way about stuff we hope will fulfill us, then doesn’t, e.g. we get the car we’ve always wanted but then it’s just “okay” after awhile. Instead of realizing that a car can’t really satisfy us, we usually make the error of thinking, “Well, I guess that wasn’t the right car. A different one will give me lasting fulfillment.”)

But the emptiness continued. So, finally, I came to the conclusion that premarital sex wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It gets too much hype. It’s not what the movies make it out to be. If it were, it would be completely fulfilling. There wouldn’t be any “emptiness.”

2) I now want to be more honorable toward women…

I’ve found that girls often don’t fully understand what’s going on when it comes to sex, i.e. their perspective on the whole thing is very different from a guy’s. Often a girl will justify sex by saying, “But I love him,” even if she doesn’t really want to go through with it. Why does that happen? It’s been said that, “Girls use sex to get love, guys use love to get sex.”

This is how it works: the girl is picturing marrying the guy some day; the guy is picturing everything he wants to do with the girl before he goes back to tell his buddies about it & while something inside her is telling her it’s the right thing to do, something inside the guy is telling him just the opposite, yet he proceeds. Why? For the physical pleasure no doubt, but also, I think, for another reason: it makes him feel like a man. But there is a great irony in that, for what is manly about deceiving a woman?

Something I’ve discovered is that, when you honor a woman, you are honoring yourself. Why? Because someday you will have regret & the regret will last much longer than the pleasure. In the movie Rob Roy, the main character says, “Honor is a gift a man gives himself.” When you honor a woman by doing what you know to be right in your heart (i.e. what’s in her best interest), you honor yourself & insure that you will have no long-lasting regrets to live with.

3) That’s somebody else’s wife…

Here’s what I mean: most of the girls I’ve been with are now married to other men. When I put myself in the shoes of those men, I wish that I hadn’t done what I’ve done. In fact, I might even like to punch myself in the nose for it.

And so it goes without saying that when I get married, I’m not going to like the idea that someone else has had his way with my wife. What about you? Do you like the idea of someone else being with your wife? If you have a girlfriend now & feel that way, think of how much stronger that feeling will be with your wife someday.

You can even take it a step further. That girl is someone’s daughter. What if she were my daughter? Or what if she were my sister? Would I want some guy like me taking advantage of her? I now see girls from a different perspective. They’re someone else’s future wife, someone else’s daughter, sister, etc.

4) Sex has killed my best relationships…

For example, I now have a college sweetheart and now things are so thick between us & fear we might break up & be heart broken just because we had sex before marriage. I really love her & I pray day & night that we do not break up. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, the girl of my dreams. With her, there was never a dull moment. We totally “clicked.” We waited for awhile, then, through my initiation, we started having sex.

Sex soon became the focus of our relationship. I stopped wanting to get to know her on any other level. So, instead of growing closer together, we actually started drifting apart.

That’s what I mean by “sex killed my best relationships.” People can relate on many different levels — emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. But when my girlfriend and I started relating mostly physically, it short-circuited the other parts of our relationship. As a result, the relationship as a whole started to go south. We might still be together today if we had waited.

I’ve seen this happen with countless relationships, not just others of my own, but those of many other people. And I think there’s a reason for this, which I’ll explain next.

5) Sex before marriage ruins the other parts of the relationship…

For me, two things happened once I had sex with a girl. As I look back on it, I can say that they happened literally every time, although I was unaware of these dynamics at the time.

The two things were this:
1) I lost respect for the girl (even though I didn’t want to).
2) She began to mistrust me (even though she didn’t want to).

I don’t know why this happened, I just know that it did. Maybe it’s just built into “the system.” But one thing’s for sure: I’m not alone. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I know many people having marital problems because they engaged in premarital sex. They go into the marriage with lack of respect & lack of trust, two absolute necessities for the health of any marriage.

I know a newlywed couple who have sex less than once a month because of this — he doesn’t respect her, she knows it & she doesn’t trust him, so she doesn’t want to give herself to him. It’s very sad & more common than you might think but nobody talks about this kind of thing in public. The movie & TV portrayals of couples having sex before marriage never present it either. It’s like no one wants to acknowledge that it’s happening, even though it is.

6) Waiting to have sex with my wife will mean better sex in my marriage…

Why? Because we’ll go into the marriage with me having more respect for her & her having more trust in me. One thing I’ve learned: if a girl doesn’t trust a guy, she doesn’t want to give herself wholly to him. Deep down, she doesn’t really enjoy being with him.

This is how it works. Since “girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex,” a couple will have sex before marriage. The girl does this to hold on to the relationship. The guy does it because he wants it even more than the relationship itself. Then, after the marriage, the woman has what she wants: a commitment from the man. So she doesn’t need to use sex to get him anymore.

And, because she may be harboring resentment because he had sex with her before they were married, she is now not interested in sex. And the guy — who doesn’t treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage — still wants sex but not as a total bonding experience with his wife. It’s just sex, which she figures out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage.

I’m not making this stuff up. Now that I’m out of college & many people around me are getting married, I’m seeing it happen all the time. The antidote: waiting for marriage to have sex will give the man a greater respect for his wife & the woman a greater respect for her husband & consequently, they’ll have better & more frequent sex because they respect each other more & love each other more deeply.

7) Not having sex with other women will mean better sex in my marriage…

Sex is a mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it “casual.” The problem is this: the more I bond with other girls, the less I’ll be able to bond with my future wife. It’s like a piece of scotch tape — the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things. After awhile, it won’t stick to anything.

If I bond with other girls before I get married, I won’t be able to bond as well with my wife someday. I won’t cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I won’t love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I’ve remained faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.

It’s a funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital sex, even with multiple partners. That’s ironic. Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery. We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe premarital sex actually has nearly the same result. It injures the potential bond between a man and a woman.

8) I don’t have to sleep with a woman to know if we’re “sexually compatible.”

Sex is meant to compliment a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it. That’s what I’ve found out. It’s supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well.

I’ve come to understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. That’s why I know I don’t have to sleep with my future wife to find out if we’re sexually compatible. If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine.

Something else needs to said here. Another thing I think I’ve “discovered” is this: when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it will probably result in poor sex. Think about it. If you put your sexual relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship by it, it’s doomed to fail. It’s like being in prison. You’re locked in to something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating.

But, when you focus on the other parts of the relationship & the sex isn’t the focus, then you’re freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of having to make it always spectacular (because it won’t be.) And yet, I don’t think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex, that is, unless it wasn’t present at all. That’s why I think it’s best to wait altogether.


We Must Stop Teaching Our Sons to Sow Their Wild Oats

When I was 15 years old, my grandfather moved in with us after he had a stroke. He had always been a man’s man and was a bit saddened that his grandson was a bookish nerd. He attempted to bring me into his boys club by sharing his “girly magazines” and pointing out girls in the neighborhood that I should have sex with. I was never comfortable in these situations, but I didn’t protest because I was learning how to be a man, or so I thought.

One afternoon, my sister’s friend stopped by for a visit. Since my sister wasn’t home, I invited the girl inside to wait. I continued playing video games until my grandfather beckoned me into his room. He pointed to me and then towards the living where my sister’s friend was sitting and then gave me a wink and a nudge. He offered to take a walk so I could be alone with the girl. When I declined his offer, my grandfather just shook his head in disappointment. I had just failed my final exam.

Sadly, I wasn’t the only boy who had this type of sexual education. Men actively encourage their boys to be sexually promiscuous or to put it in laymen terms: sow their wild oats. Any man who even thought to encourage his daughter to sow her wild oats would be eviscerated, but no one seems to have a problem with letting boys be boys.

Shotguns and Chastity Belts

Dads are quite focused on protecting their precious little princesses from unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and heartbreak caused by some silly boy. Almost every father with daughters that I know plans to purchase two items: a shotgun and a chastity belt. The shotgun is to intimidate his daughter’s suitors. If the gun doesn’t scare off the boys, then the chastity belt will be the next line of protection.

But when it comes to their sons, many men refuse to hold them to the same standard of sexual purity.

A Double Standard

I became keenly aware of this double-standard during a Bible study class. The instructors were well-respected church leaders who taught classes on marriage and child rearing. They had been married for 15 years and had three children – two girls and one boy.

During one of our discussions, the husband implored us to teach our daughters to save themselves for marriage. I found it odd that he only mentioned the girls so I asked him about it after class.

He turned to me with a sly grin and said, “I’d never tell my boy to wait on marriage. He needs to get himself a little taste of sex before then. Besides, we don’t want him to grow up to be funny (i.e. gay).” Although I was shocked by his statement, I was even more alarmed that his wife was nodding in agreement.

Sexual Conquests Are No Measure of Manhood

This mentality has contributed to our young men’s defining their manhood by their sexual conquests.

I challenge all men to reevaluate your definition of manhood. Are you really more of a man if you sleep with scores of women? Is this really the message that we want to teach our sons? We have to start raising boys who have at least a modicum of sexual integrity.

In order to achieve this goal, we must examine ourselves. If we demonstrate irresponsible sexual behavior, we can only expect our sons to do the same. Our daughters aren’t the only ones who need to be shielded from unplanned pregnancies, STDs, and the emotional toll of promiscuity.

Our sons need us more than ever and if we want them to be the strong men of the future, we must start by teaching them to keep it in their pants.


The Truth About Fornication and How it Affects Men

If you were to ask the average man how has fornication affected him, he would be at a loss for words.  The only repercussions he’d likely speak of would be an unplanned pregnancy, an angry “baby’s mama”, a few court appearances, and how much he’s been ordered to pay in child support.  He wouldn’t know how fornication has affected him spiritually, emotionally and financially.  He wouldn’t know how much the enemy has stolen from him through his fornications.  He wouldn’t understand the price he’s paid for every illegal sexual encounter he’s had.  After all, the average church rarely speaks on the topic of fornication.  Members only hear that fornication is wrong, and then, the leader briefly changes the direction of his/ her message because sex is still considered a taboo subject in many of today’s churches.  As a matter of fact, many leaders address women when speaking of the dangers of fornication because, like our parents, they see fornication as something that only affects the woman, but not so much the man.  This misconception has caused many men to be robbed of the blessings that God has in store for them.  Sure, women carry the children, and in most cases, the woman is left alone to raise whatever children she’s conceived through her fornications, nevertheless, every man who lies down with a woman he’s not legally married to is reduced, or better yet, robbed of what he could have been.

Proverbs 6:26: For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.

When it comes to fornication, the average man thinks he’s untouchable, but he’s not.  For every woman he’s touched, a man reduces himself.
Note: For the women who’re reading this.  I know that Proverbs 6:26 may have struck a nerve because you’re saying what does a “whorish” woman have to do with this?  I thought we were talking about how fornication affects men!  Our society today has attempted to redefine the word “whore”, and we are led to believe that a whore is a promiscuous woman, but this is partly true.  According to the bible, a whore is any woman who enters sexual immorality, be it through fornication or adultery. Society attempts to redefine words that are deemed offensive when that society has fallen into the very sin or behavior that classifies its members by that word.  Nevertheless, a man who practices sexual immorality bears the greater offense with God because he has the greater role.  Either way, you should not be practicing fornication…period!

I believe it’s very important for you to first know how fornication affects women before you can better understand how it affects men, and why it affects men the way it does.  First off, let me give you a snippet of my testimony.

From as far back as I can remember, I’d been the victim of molestation.  Honestly, I came from a pretty disturbed family who saw absolutely nothing wrong with fondling their younger family members.  Molestation was common in my family; plus, my parents were missing what I like to call the “protective gene”.  They opened their door to let many family members stay with us, and at the same time, they would let me sleep over any family member or friend’s house that I’d asked to sleep over.  Because of this, I was molested time and time again.  It goes without saying that by the time I was a young woman who could legally consent to sex, I was pretty messed up mentally and spiritually.

At a young age, I began to battle with perversion, and this happened because of the molestations I’d endured.  I liked sex, nevertheless, I didn’t like feeling as if I was being raped or molested all over again, so I became promiscuous, but I didn’t know that I was promiscuous because any sex I had was done under the “girlfriend” title.  I had to have a title to sleep with a man, or better yet, I had to be lied to.  I liked the power that being a woman gave me and I began to experiment with that power.  I took on a diva persona and began to make my demands with men.  I knew that what I had in my heart was valuable, but no one had ever asked to see my heart, so I kept “me” hidden away while I let that foul spirit of perversion lead me towards utter destruction.  I thought my life was heading in the right direction because I wasn’t like my friends.  They were crying over guys and refusing to let go, and there I was breaking it off with guys and replacing every wrong guy with a whole new wrong guy.  I spent most of my years being some man’s “girlfriend”.  I was broken.  No, I was worse than broken; I was shattered into tiny pieces, and every man who touched me didn’t understand how I could walk away so easily.  They thought I was strong.  They thought I was overly confident, and some men even thought I needed to be “brought down a few notches”, but honestly, they didn’t realize that I couldn’t possibly go any lower than where I already was.  Sex, to me, was nothing more than me trying to wash away every person who’d ever touched me without my permission.  Of course, I didn’t know it back then, but I do now.  Every time I fornicated, another broken piece of me shattered into even smaller pieces, but my hardened heart made it difficult for me to feel what was happening to my soul.  I’d simply put a proud look on my face, all the while, mentally rewarding myself with compliments for not being a crybaby about it.  Being abandoned didn’t hurt anymore.  Being betrayed didn’t hurt anymore.  I thought I’d finally received what most broken women desire to receive…the ability to enter into a relationship (be it sexual or non-sexual) without feeling the effects of a broken heart if that relationship ended.  I began to mentally prepare myself for every relationship I entered, reminding myself that the guy I was seeing was nothing but a man and it would be unwise for me to allow myself to feel anything for him.  I wanted to be just like him.  I wanted the ability to get what I wanted physically, and walk away unscratched mentally.  I didn’t realize that it wasn’t possible, but again, my hardened heart made it difficult for me to feel or understand what was being done to my soul.

I finally got a chance to see my brokenness when I’d gotten married the first time.  I was new to the church, and still (mentally) in the world, so it’s a no-brainer that I ended up with a worldly man.  He was different than the guys I’d “dated” in my past.  I wasn’t afraid to let myself feel anything for him because it was clear to me that he wanted a future with me.  Some of my exes had wanted a future with me, but I’d always found something about them to justify not allowing myself to feel anything for them, but with this guy, it was different.  I realize now that I’d seen and recognized the same brokenness in him that I had in myself.

When I married my first husband, I was a mess broken.  I’d be the perfect wife (in my own mind) until he’d do something I believed threatened our marriage, and then, I’d overreact.  I’d get overly emotional, and during our courting/ shacking phase, I’d even struck him once or twice.  Being a broken vessel himself, he’d stopped me from striking him by attacking me and showing me that he was far stronger than myself, so I suddenly got delivered from what I thought was my uncontrollable temper.  Every soul tie I had began to manifest itself in that marriage, and my emotions were all over the place.  Honestly, thinking back, I can say that I probably appeared to have what doctors refer to as bipolar syndrome because I could go from being extremely happy to being extremely upset in 3.2 seconds.  I was always afraid of being abandoned, cheated on, or rejected, so I accepted being physically and emotionally abused for the sake of keeping my husband.  I knew I had issues, so I blamed his issues on my own issues, thinking I’d set him off anytime he raised his hands to me.

After we were divorced, I’d grown up quite a bit in the Lord, but I still wasn’t ready to be any man’s wife, nevertheless, I ran off and got married again.  It was during that marriage that I began to see my heightened emotions again, and it was in that marriage that God began to deliver and restore me.  I had been a woman full of soul ties, and every soul tie I had represented another shattered piece of me.  I couldn’t be married to the guys I’d married because I had married several men through fornication.  This means that I was not a man’s favor!  I was judgment manifested!  Those “legal” marriages I’d entered could not work because I’d entered them while I was “illegally” married to other men!  It goes without saying that every man who’d illegally touched me was judged by God if he hadn’t repented.  They weren’t just judged for touching me, but those guys were classic fornicators.  They’d left a trail of uncovered women in their wakes, and because of this, many of them never found success.  They didn’t realize that they were robbing themselves of the blessings of God by indulging in the pleasures of this world.  They didn’t realize that Satan perverted the order of a man, whereas, God said a husband is his wife’s covering, but Satan uses men to uncover women who are not their wives.  This means he alters your design by altering your mind.  Nowadays, he’s gotten society collectively telling you that it is not only normal for you to be promiscuous, but promiscuity is oftentimes expected of you.  In many subcultures, a man who is not promiscuous is believed to be gay, and he will be mocked for his self control.

God delivered and restored me and I committed my life to serving him and exposing the wiles of the enemy, but as a woman once broken by sin, I knew I had to come and warn you about the dangers of fornication.  You see, I not only saw what fornication did to me and other women, but I saw what it did to men too.  Because I was a broken woman, I hung around women who were like myself: broken.  They were seductive, beautiful women who most men threw money and gifts at.  Like me, they’d learned to hide their pain behind seductive smiles,  feisty attitudes and the all-too-telling mask of confidence.  They too tried to pay for love using their bodies as currency because they’d been taught that the most valuable thing they had were their bodies and their youthfulness.  They tried to hurry up and cash themselves in, hoping to find a man who wanted to spend a lifetime with them.  With every guy they gave themselves to, they lost another piece of themselves, and the more hurt they were, the more confident they pretended to be.  We all tried to party our pains away and the club became a battered women’s shelter for us.  Every compliment and lustful stare we received helped to rebuild the confidence that fornication had been chiseling away from us.  Many women looked at us in awe because we wore brokenness so well, but they didn’t know that.  They thought we were mature because we’d learned to look like whole women while in the midst of being broken.  We didn’t breakdown when we were betrayed; we simply got even, and to a broken woman, our ways made us look like “grown-ups”.  Women who haven’t learned to control their emotions and handle breakups with dignity (aka pride) are oftentimes seen as weak, making them less desirable to the men who rank the highest in their eyes.  So, broken women actually strive to get to a place where ungodly soul ties coupled with unfilled expectations no longer hurts.  That’s why our youth today has coined the term “putting on my big girl panties”.  This term, when broken down, means that the woman learns to deal with everything that’s thrown at her and just move on with her life without making a fool of herself.  In other words, she’s taught to become prideful, harden her heart and give all that she is without expecting anything in return.

Most women who are in fornication are broken, and some of them wear brokenness better than others.  Honestly, the most broken of them are oftentimes the most desired because they channel the spirit of seduction, all the while, portraying a strength that makes their mortal souls appear to be immortal.  They learn to bounce back from every fall by simply entering new soul ties, and these new soul ties help them to quiet the screams of their broken souls.  In other words, one man breaks a woman while another one comes along and pacifies her when she begins to feel the effects of that brokenness.  When she’s stable, or better yet, gets too comfortable in her new relationship, her “hero” becomes the villain, and it takes another man to come along and rescue her after he has had his fill of her.  Some women use their God-given mental strength to propel themselves forward while their broken and immobile souls get stuck in the perils and repetitions of sin.  In other words, you will never and can never heal a woman by fornicating with her; instead, you end up being the tool the devil uses to break her even more.  One man is always a setup for the next man.  Every man who (illegally) lies down with a woman serves as another break in her already broken soul.

But wait….How does this affect you?  The man is the head of his home.  Any woman a man lies down with becomes the wife of that man, and if he’s lain with her illegally, she becomes an illegal wife, nevertheless, she’s still that man’s wife.  The minute a man lies with a woman, he not only joins his body to her, but he joins his soul to her, meaning, he loses a piece of himself with every woman he lies with.  At the same time, the minute you become a husband to a woman, be it legally or illegally, you become responsible for providing for and covering that woman.  It doesn’t matter how many men she’s joined herself to, the minute you lie down with her, you become responsible for her.
1 Corinthians 6:16: What? Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?  For two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

1 Timothy 5:8: But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
Ephesians 5:23: For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

I highlighted the word “harlot” in 1 Corinthians 6:16 because it can easily be argued that every scripture referring to husbands and wives are for individuals who’ve legally joined themselves in holy matrimony, but this isn’t true.  Take into account the marriage of Jacob and Leah.  You’ll notice that the two didn’t have what we refer to nowadays as a traditional wedding.  That’s because in that time, they understood the joining together of two people in matrimony occurred during sex, but what determined if the matrimony was holy matrimony or fornication was the manner in which sex occurred.  

In the case of Jacob and Leah, Jacob asked Laban (Leah’s father) for Rachel’s hand in marriage, and of course, Rachel was Leah’s younger sister.  Laban promised to give Jacob Rachel’s hand in marriage if Jacob worked for him for seven years, and Jacob did just that.  As with the traditions of that time, they held a feast to celebrate the marriage that was about to occur, and Jacob got drunk.  Laban took advantage of Jacob and gave him the one daughter he felt he’d never be able to get rid of and that was weak-eyed Leah.  Leah wasn’t the attractive sister.  Laban sent Leah into Jacob’s room and Jacob had sex with her, and that’s what officiated his marriage to her.  You’ll notice that after he discovered he’d been betrayed, Jacob continued on with Leah as his wife, and he worked another seven years to get Rachel.  It wasn’t a wedding that united them; it was the sex!  If they’d needed a wedding to officiate the marriage, their sex would have been labeled as fornication, and as such, Leah could have been stoned to death.  Their marriage was legal because Laban gave Leah to Jacob, meaning, he gave his permission for the two to come together, even though it was through an act of deception.  Jacob, being a man of God, understood that he could not just reject Leah as his wife because he’d joined himself to her.  He knew that if he’d rejected her, he’d be in trouble, so he continued on with Leah and had children with her, even though he wasn’t attracted to her.

The traditions for that time dictated that the man go to the woman’s father to ask for her hand in marriage; that is, if she wasn’t already betrothed (reserved to marry) to another man.  Of course, they were following Old Testament law back then, nevertheless, the law was designed to discourage the people of God from defiling the land with sin, and thus, bringing judgment upon themselves.  A woman’s father acted as her covering, and as such, any vow made by that woman (if she was a virgin) could be overridden by her father.  If she made a vow, her father could release her from that vow because he was her covering.  If her father remained quiet after she’d made a vow, that woman would be bound by the vows she’s made.
Numbers 30:3-5: If a woman also vow a vow unto the LORD, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father’s house in her youth; And her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her: then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand. But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the LORD shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her.

Of course, we are no longer under the Old Testament law, nevertheless, the Word of God still remains: fornication is a sin.  A woman is still supposed to remain in God’s (her Heavenly Father) house and under His covering until her husband comes along and covers her, but nowadays, a woman can exercise the freedom to choose her own husband.  Her natural father can no longer choose for her, even though God has already set aside one man He would have her to marry if she were willing to follow His lead.  So Satan learned a fancy dance to help defile the people of God and the land they called home.  He removed the natural fathers from the homes, and for many of the homes where the fathers were present, he removed the covering from the fathers.  Of course, that covering is Jesus Christ.  A woman who was uncovered by her father through abandonment or poor leadership doesn’t realize the importance of having a covering, so it’s not hard for her to join her body to men in fornication.  After all, she’s looking for the comforts and love she feels she’s missed by not having a present father in her home.  At the same time, statistics say one out of three women were molested, but this figure is far too low, giving the women I’ve met.  I’ll be bold enough to say that two out of three women were molested, but only one out of three admits to being molested.  Many women keep quiet out of fear and shame.  Many women fear being undesirable to men if it were to reveal that they had been molested, especially if their rapists were family members.  Then, you come along and see that beautiful, confident broken soul, and she offers her body to you hoping to either be loved by you, or, at least, feel loved by you.  Instead of fleeing fornication, you give in to the lusts of your flesh, reasoning within yourself that you gave her what she wanted, but that’s only partially true.  Nine times out of ten, she wanted love, and she wanted to feel loved, if only but for a few minutes.  You see, sex…especially passionate sex, feels a lot like love and a broken woman will relish in that moment.  She may call you everyday trying to arrange to have sex with you, but in truth, she’s looking to feel loved even when she knows she’s not truly loved.  It’s just fun to make-believe that she is loved when you’re having sex with her.  You think she’s addicted to the sex, but what you don’t know is she’s addicted to how sex makes her feel emotionally, while you may be addicted to how it makes you feel physically.  A broken woman who is almost a stranger to love will often experience heightened sexual encounters during episodes of passionate sex because passionate sex feels a lot like love.  Women who are even more broken, on the other hand, may prefer to feel attacked or battered because they’ve learned to find pleasure in pain.  All the same, you’ll notice that a man covers a woman’s body with his body during sex.  This is a physical demonstration of what a husband is supposed to be doing in the realm of the spirit.  He is supposed to cover his wife, so when you illegally take a wife without asking her Father (YAHWEH) for His permission and vowing (in the presence of two or three witnesses) to be and act as her husband, you are in fornication, meaning, you’ve uncovered a woman’s body without first covering her soul.  Remember, the Word says that “he who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”  Here’s the thing: God meant any man who finds “his own” wife, not another man’s wife, and that’s why promiscuous men rarely find success.  Instead, they find themselves emotionally and financially bankrupt.  They find themselves contending with one “baby’s mama” after another while their children grow up fatherless, and their children often repeat the cycles their parents started.  In other words, fornication becomes a generational stronghold in that family, and each generation of children born into that family are raised without the headship of a father figure.  Many of them are raised by women who are still joined to their fathers through soul ties, not knowing why their mothers aren’t fully there for them.  She’s sectioned herself off to every man who’s lain with her, and even though she does the best at being a mother with what she has left of herself, it’s simply not enough.  Many women can’t rear their children, so they simply raise them up and ship them out into the world.  The children then learn to wear those confident masks their mothers wore as they began to place their feet on the paths that their mothers and fathers took.  This is not how God designed the family structure; instead, this is perversion at its best and it’s leading our society towards utter destruction!

After Dr. Myles Munroe and his wife died, I began to listen to his sermons and I found myself in awe of the wisdom he shared.  I listened to him as he told the crowd that he and his wife did not argue.  I’d heard another successful minister (I don’t remember who) say that he and his wife didn’t argue, and as I was listening to him preach, the Lord began to minister to me.  Dr. Myles Munroe found favor in the form of a wife.  He covered his wife, provided for his wife, and led his wife in the Lord.  He didn’t uncover her physically until he’d covered her spiritually, meaning, he did not expose her to the enemy.  He’d obeyed God, and because of this, God blessed him with a wife who was wise enough to know what arguing would do to her husband and her marriage as a whole.  The Lord shared with me that Mr. Munroe had done something that was unpopular today: He’d obeyed God and joined himself to one woman, and for this, God blessed his home.  He then shared with me that many men in the church today are married to several women through fornication, and of course, they were not providing for those women or for the children they’d borne through those women, nor were they covering them.  Sure, you can release yourself from the ties formed through fornication through a simple act called repentance, but repentance is more than just apologizing, contrary to popular belief.  To repent means to turn away from the sin altogether.  This means that you confess your sins, denounce fornication and live a life of purity until the Lord permits you to find the wife He has for you.  Without repentance, you will continue to break broken women, and you’ve got to know that God loves them enough to correct you since you are the head of your wife.  With every woman you break, you will experience a break within yourself, and this break will undoubtedly affect your life as a whole.  To whom much is given, much is required.  As the head of the woman, you are entrusted with a greater responsibility, and as such, you’d reap the greater punishment for fornication.  If you’ll notice, God first rebuked Adam for eating the forbidden fruit even though Eve had bitten it first, and then, handed it to Adam.

The point is…fornication does affect you.  It opens the door for the enemy to rob you of the love God has given you for the wife He wants to entrust you with.  It encourages a distrust of women in you, and this will bleed over into every relationship you enter.  You’ll notice that the most promiscuous of men profanely refer to women as garden tools or female dogs.  This is because every woman they’ve dared to touch has taken a part of them with her.  They hid their hurt behind prideful looks and insults, but those guys are hurting and they are fearful of love.  A man (or woman) who fears love will hurt, abuse and insult any person who dares to love them, and believe me, this is an awful way to live.  Fornication robs you of the wife God would’ve blessed you with had you obeyed Him.  As a result, many men spend their days joining themselves to one woman after another, not understanding that they were joining themselves to every man those women have joined themselves to, and they were showing God that He could not trust them with power, authority and wealth.  How so?  The more power, authority and wealth a man has, the more women he’ll have access to, meaning, an ungodly man could uncover and encourage the uncovering of many women through fornication if he were influential.  God won’t bless such a soul, so that man has to turn to sin to get power, authority and wealth, but this is at the expense of his soul.  Fornication is a temporary means of pleasure that can cost you an eternity of agony.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11: Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God?  Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

As men of God, you’ve been washed, sanctified, and justified of your sins.  You have the opportunity now to follow the Word of God and find the woman whom God has favored to be your wife.  She’s more than just a creature designed to physically pleasure you, but she was designed to be a help meet, a life partner, and the mother of your children.  She will determine which direction your children go in, so it’s very important that you be careful who you join yourself to because you are, in the same, choosing a mother for the children who will carry or destroy your legacy.  You have the power to start generational blessings and end generational curses, but it first starts with you fearing the Lord and exercising self control.  When God sees that He can trust you with your Rachel, He will guide you to her.  If you’re not trustworthy, you’re going to keep imparting pieces of yourself to weak-eyed Leahs when you’re bewitched by lies and intoxicated by the sin you’re in.  Sure, Leah looks beautiful in the dark, but when the lights come on, you’ll realize that she’s not the wife you wanted, and you may find yourself having to work harder and longer just to get the wife you truly want.  At the same time, Leah’s deceptive father will make you work harder and longer for the woman you want, but you won’t be able to reach Rachel until you’re ready to fully follow God.  Wait on God for your wife.  Purity isn’t just for women, but it’s for you too.  Your success, legacy, and peace of mind is tied up to you obeying God and not being like Onan and spilling your seed on the ground just because the woman you’re lying with is not the woman you want to have children with.  Your favor is hidden in the wife God has hidden from you and for you.  To find her is to obtain God’s favor.  Don’t forsake her and don’t become impatient with God.  Simply let the Lord order your steps and He will lead you towards the woman He’s adorned with wisdom, knowledge and understanding; the woman who will be your help mate, soul mate and life’s partner.  To find her is to find heaven on earth…

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